


The Book Store Incident

by orphan_account



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Crossover, Crowley Being an Asshole, Desk Sex, Gen, Giles vs. Aziraphale, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Spike being an Asshole, but not really, dumb shit I write, there's no actual sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2014-09-03
Packaged: 2018-02-15 23:46:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2247885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Giles, Buffy, Dawn, and Spike are on a mission. For justice. Well, actually books, but there will be justice eventually. Probably. Actually they're just searching for a bookstore. Badly. And then they nearly get into a fight.</p><p>Good Omens crossover.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Book Store Incident

**Author's Note:**

> So my friend Taylor wanted a fic, but he was really unspecific and dumb so I started this before he cleared things up. Then it was really funny so I finished it.
> 
> Enjoy the shit.

“We’re lost.”

“We’re not lost.”

“We’re _lost_.”

“We. Are. _Not_. Lost.”

Spike sighed, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. They had been circling the same part of London for about a half an hour, trying to find a certain bookstore. Giles was certain that it was ‘around here somewhere’, Dawn was complaining about being ‘bored Buffy can we go yet?’ Buffy was about two seconds from reaching over and forcibly removing Giles from the driver’s seat and Spike was ready to stake himself.

“What’s so important about this bookstore that we’ve spent forever looking for it, again?” Dawn asked, slumping back in her seat. A young woman of almost twenty now, she had much better things to do in London than search for some mouldy old bookshop.

“It’s rumored to have the largest selection of occult books in the entire country.” Giles said, turning his map around to match the direction they were pointed in, “The owner, however, has been quite resistant to dealing with the Watchers Council, so I’m hoping that if we show up looking more like regular customers, we might be able to persuade him into parting with one or two of his books.”

“Fat chance of that. I’ve heard of this guy, he never sells his books.” Spike pitched in, “You’d have an easier time yanking teeth out of a live dragon.”

“Thank you for your confidence Spike, it’s so very helpful.” Giles grumbled, finally moving the car forward again.

“Are you sure you want to be finding this place? I know you’ve got a book-boner, but I’ve heard some serious rumors about this place.” Spike said, “Not to mention that the rumors themselves are about as old as me. The owner is most likely not human.”

“You’re not human, and we trust you.” Buffy said, twisting around to grin cheekily at him. He puffed out his cheeks.

“I’m still dangerous.” he grumbled, “I could easily kill two out of three people in this car.”

“Sure Spike. I’m so terrified.” Dawn mumbled, resting her head on his shoulder. The fact that he automatically adjusted his position to accommodate her said _nothing_ about his state as a scary monster, **_nothing_**.

“Oh, there it is.” Giles gleefully exclaimed, pulling over to the side of the street behind a black Bentley. They all got out of the car and paused to stretch before wandering up to the store front.

“Is it even open?” Buffy asked, trying to peer through the window.

“The sign says it is.” Dawn commented. There was no noise from inside, and they couldn’t see movement through the shutters.

“Come on, let’s not loiter.” Giles said, reaching for the door, “It’s not locked, so I’m going to assume it’s open.”

“Because that’s never gotten us in trouble before.” Buffy said sarcastically, following her former Watcher through the door.

Giles rolled his eyes and stepped inside, “Hello?” he called into the darkened shop, “Is anyone there?”

“We’re paying customers!” Spike called, “With money and everything!”

“I think I hear something.” Buffy said, cautiously walking towards the back of the store. Spike heard the shuffles and grunts and fell into step behind Buffy, ready to back her up if things got hairy.

They approached a door marked ‘Employees Only’ and stopped. Buffy pressed her ear against the wood, listening for sounds of distress. She looked back at Spike and nodded, signalling for him to be ready. He crouched into a fighting position just as Buffy threw open the door with a crash. They rushed into the room, ready to fight whatever assailant was attacking the proprietor of the bookstore (or fight the bookstore owner who was attacking an innocent bystander, you know, whichever).

“What the hell!?” came a shout, “What are you doing!? Who the hell are you!?”

The source of the shout was a stout man with greyish-blonde hair, who was currently standing in the open V of another man’s long legs as he reclined backwards over a desk. The state of undress the two men was a dead giveaway of what exactly they had been doing before Buffy had kicked in the door.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” Buffy choked out, backtracking through the door ineffectually, crashing into Spike and causing them both to get stuck. The problem was further agitated by Spike attempting to snap a photo of the two men on his phone.

“As you should be. What the hell are you doing here?” the blonde man asked, having put himself back together (when had he done that?) and now striding toward the group.

“We’re customers.” Giles said overtop the heads of the other three, “It says you’re open.”

“Bloody hell.” the man grumbled, “Well, we’re closed now. Goodbye.”

“Now now Az, don’t be rude.” the dark man said, finally coming forward. Unlike his counterpart, his shirt was still open, giving everyone a view of his lightly muscled torso and tanned skin (thought oddly enough, he was wearing dark sunglasses), “It’s been a while since you had customers. You wouldn’t want to be rude, would you? That would be so bad of you.” he all but purred.

‘Az’ all but glared the other man into a fine red mist, “You’ll pay for this, Crowley.” he hissed, then turned back to the still stunned group crowded into the doorway, “What can I help you with?” he asked cheerfully through gritted teeth.

After a momentary pause in which they extracted themselves from the door, Giles proceeded to list a few books he was interested in buying. Az only narrowed his eyes further.

“Oh gracious, you’re bloody _Watchers_ , aren’t you?” he asked, treating ‘Watchers’ like a particularly nasty swear word.

“He is.” Spike said, pointing to Giles, “That’s the Slayer, that’s the Slayer’s brat sister, and I’m a vampire with a soul.”

“Oh yeah, I heard you lot were in London. How it treating you? Some weather isn’t it?” the dark man said, leaning against the front counter, looking very much like a satisfied cat.

“Crowley, stop getting your skank smell all over my desk.” Az grumbled in a tone that had the ring of being well-practised.

“It’s cologne love, expensive cologne.” Crowley shot back, though he didn’t sound annoyed.

“You smell like an unwashed rent boy.” Az said, “You _look_ like an unwashed rent boy. Fix your shirt.”

“I don’t mind.” Dawn chipped in, glancing appreciatively up and down Crowley’s chest. He gave her a flirty smile.

“Don’t you have customers to be helping, Aziraphale?” Crowley said, now switching his attentions to Dawn. Aziraphale huffed and turned back to Giles.

“What books did you want?” he asked.

Giles blinked, rather thrown by the conversation, “Do you have the Grimore of the Grey Hastings?”

“Yes, it’s not for sale.” Aziraphale said curtly.

Giles frowned, “The Chronicles of the Byzantine Y’vennes?”

“Yes, it’s also not for sale.”

“The Scroll of Gash-vwin?”

“Yes, not for sale.”

By now the two men were outright scowling at one another, “Do you have anything that actually is for sale?” Giles growled. Aziraphale narrowed his eyes and pushed a rack of tacky, touristy postcards toward him.

“Ninety-nine pence each.” he declared.

“This better than bloody Christmas.” Spike said, watching the two men with delight.

“Isn’t it just?” Crowley hummed, “He’s just so cute when he’s an asshole to customers.”

Buffy sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose, “I need new friends.”

**Author's Note:**

> Why did I think this was a good idea. Good god.


End file.
